Calvin's Diary
by calvinhobbes1010
Summary: Witness the life of Calvin as we get a glimpse of his diary! Hobbes will also write in it. R&R please!
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin's diary. I just "borrowed" it. How did I do that? Here's how:

(Cues to flashback)

calvinhobbes1010: Hey, Calvin, can I use your diary?

Calvin: Why?

calvinhobbes1010: I'm going to publish it on Fanfiction.

Calvin: Fanfriction?

calvinhobbes1010: FanFICTION.

Calvin: Oh. Why are you going to publish it?

calvinhobbes1010: So readers can read the moments your six years of life.

Calvin: The front cover says "Do not read or write in this book".

calvinhobbes1010: On Fanfiction, there are tons of fics about you and Hobbes

Calvin: When are you going to give it back?

calvinhobbes1010: When I'm done using it.

Calvin: When are you going to be done using it?

calvinhobbes1010: When I publish it.

Calvin: When are you going to publish it?

calvinhobbes1010: When the last update is…ummmmmmmmmm…it's hard to explain.

Calvin: About the updates, when do you update my diary?

calvinhobbes1010: I update weekly. An individual week out of your diary is one chapter in Fanfiction terms.

Calvin: Yes, you can use my diary. Just promise to give it back when you're done.

calvinhobbes1010: I promise.


	2. Week 1

Note: The entries in **bold **indicate Hobbes writing in the diary.

**Calvin's Diary**

**DO NOT READ OR WRITE IN THIS BOOK!**

Week 1 

Day 1: Mom got me this book. She says it's a good way to remember the old moments in my life. Hah! I'll show HER old moments! Old moments of INSANITY!

Day 2: Today was a boring day. I was watching Loony Tunes, but Dad kicked me out of the house and told me to go play outside. He says playing outside will give me fresh air. I had nothing to do. I had no friends. Wait a minute! Maybe I can catch a tiger. YEAH! That's it! I'll catch a tiger, make him my friend, and have him live with me! Can't write now! I've got to make a tuna fish sandwich!

Day 3: I'm off to check my tiger trap. I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday. I'm sure to have caught a tiger by now. Wait a minute. YES! I CAUGHT A TIGER! I tried to feed him this diary, but Mom caught me. By the way, the tiger's name is Hobbes.

Day 4: Today at school (the dungeon of torture), I met a new girl. Her name was Susie Derkins. Hobbes consists that I love her. In case if you're wondering, I DO NOT! I also had a math quiz today. Did anyone say that 7+3 doesn't equal 73? Whoever said that is busted!

Day 5: Today was another boring day. Hobbes violently attacked me when I got home from school. I had boxcars full of homework. I don't think history exists. There is no past or future. All is one. What happened 220 years ago? I'm a kid! I don't even know what happened a year ago! At dinnertime, Mom made something gruesome and poisonous. I don't know what went into that smelly, icky, green blob of poison, but I'm sure it was bird legs, spam, dog food, drops of poison liquid, the heart of a fox, guts, insects, and a squid. It's bedtime now. Getting sleepy. Good night.

Day 6: YEESS! Today is Friday! One more day of the imminent torture that's so-called "school", then I get 2 days of freedom! Yahoo! At school, I was busy looking droopy for boredom, watching the clock tick all the way to noon. Miss Blah Blah Blah was busy blabbering about World War II. I think everyone in the school is German. Rosalyn babysat me today, and boy she was mad! First, I filled her up with water. Then, I threw a water balloon at her. Finally, I locked her out of the house. Now I'm in my bed. I'm grounded tomorrow. I wonder why I'm only grounded for a day…

Day 7: **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

WE HAVE TO GO CAMPING ON THAT !$#&, DESERTED ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF **_NOWHERE! _**FATHER NATUE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I **_HATE_** CAMPING! I HATE CHARACTER! I HATE THE OUTDOORS! I HATE _EVERYTHING _HE LIKES! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! I WISH HE DIDN'T EVEN **_EXIST!_** Hobbes, you hate camping, right? Mom, you should give that demon-possessed guy a divorce. I can't write anymore. I have to pack. We have to leave tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, I also hate eating spam and fish.


	3. Week 2

Week 2 

Day 1: Today is the first day we have to go to that smelly, icky, bug-inhabited, deserted, God-forsaken deathtrap DAD calls a "nature" vacation. Gee, I'd rather like school. We're on the canoe. Whoop! We're here! Gotta' unload the chunks of survival called "luggage"!

Day 2: Second day of camping. Mr. Character asked me to go fishing. Gosh, who would want to fish in THAT dump? You're in a smelly boat, catching some icky, half-dead fish in the middle of filthy lake called Michigan. Too sad. I had to go fishing. It rained the whole time. One fish we caught was half-bitten by a shark. That half-bitten fish was the only fish we ever caught.

Day 3: Ugh, we had to go on a HIKE! (Plays "Psycho" theme song as lightning flashes) Gosh, is this maniac drunk? Dad was so stupidly happy as if he just saw green for the first time. In fact, that color was completely surrounding us. It rained again. The good news? We got a snack of Fig Newton bars! Yummy! Let's see…the serving size is…2 COOKIES! Let's not worry about serving sizes anymore. I also had to digest a horrible spam sandwich. It was just a bunch of rotten meat crumbled up into some disgusting blob called "spam" Gosh, it tastes like dog food!

Day 4: Another boring camping day. It's too boring to describe. I'll just say this: Went fishing again, weather was cruel to us, and we caught nothing.

Day 5: 3 more days and we're going! YAHOO! Today we went on another hike. BORRRRRINGGGG! I'm now so itchy because I was bitten by bugs and I was affected by poison ivy. Again, I had to eat another icky spam sandwich.

Day 6: **Tee hee, Calvin doesn't know I'm writing in his personal diary! I'm with him that this trip is a deathtrap rock. Another boring day. Hiked, rained again, and had to eat spam.**

Day 7: I should tell Hobbes to stop writing in my diary! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah! ONE MORE DAY OF TORTURE AND WE GET TO GO HOME! YIPEEEEE! Let's say, we went on another hike. Unfortunately, we got lost. Don't blame me! Blame Father Nature! He was crazy (and when I say "crazy", I mean "happy") that we were lost in the middle of a forest on a deserted rock in Lake Michigan. He did seen a little disappointed when we found our campsite. We had to eat more spam sandwiches! The dessert? SEAWEEDS ON A STICK! YUKKKK! IS THIS GUY NUTS! IT COULD BE POISONOUS! Well, gotta' go to bed. Gotta' rest my voice for tomorrow. Should cheer very loudly when we go home. You know what I talkin' about, right?


End file.
